“. . .awareness is our first step to our liberation “ Stanley Milgram (1933-1984)
First, believe in yourself. You have the strength, intelligence and wonderfulness to grow from anything that comes along. Life can be very harsh unless we know how to manage and resolve conflicts.
Second, be aware, because conflict is not always overt. Conflict is often unspoken and identifiable only by experiencing a feeling of uncertainty. These feelings can occur between family members, between friends, in our neighborhoods, schools, and jobs – in any setting where there is more than one person. Conflicts have the potential to have extremely negative, lifelong consequences which can include traumatizing the participants.
“Name It Claim It”
Finally, name it; claim it! Once you can identify the type of conflict you are in you can do something constructive about it. The reader should use types of conflict to determine the type of conflict h/she is confronting. Conflict-Uncomplicated identifies three types of conflict:
- those that can be mediated.
- those that are the result of external pressure; (what I refer to as difficult times); which occurs when tremendous pressure and anxiety on at least one individual results in conflict.
- those that are the result of difficult people: In this site I refer to them as CMNs (Cataclysmic Malignant Narcissists)/ bullies. Difficult People conflicts are chronic and they are driven by a personality type, not by the situation. It is this last category that is the most polarizing, is the most easily confused and difficult to recognize and has the most ruinous consequences for the parties involved. For example, you really want to be able to tell the difference between a curmudgeon and someone who can explode on you and needs to exploit you. They have to make you dependent – they cannot tolerate interdependence. In this site and in my ebook I give specific warning signs of these individuals. If, unavoidably, you have a relationship with them, you want to know how to deal with them so you are at least mentally prepared. Also, CMNs/bullies create toxic cultures that are often racist, discriminatory and/or misogynistic (i.e. they disrespect women).
Finally, know how to respond to each type of conflict.
- Type One: mediate/negotiate,
- Type Two: be supportive in a constructive way; help alleviate the person’s stress.
- Type Three: back-off, in a thoughtful, premeditated way. Try not to lose control of yourself in the situation. Tempting as it may be, appealing as it may seem, do not enable these people or be persuaded by them. You do not need them although they would have you believe otherwise, and recognize that CMNs/bullies are all headed to a destructive end.
If there is one thing the reader should take away from this site it is respond, don’t react to conflicts, no matter how inflammatory or personal the attack. Rise above the situation and set limits on your behavior and the party with whom you are in conflict.
“Respond, Don’t React”
My book “Conflict Uncomplicated” is dedicated to the third category of conflict which is the most difficult to diagnose, and has the most lasting consequences for families and organizations of any kind – and by extension, for society as a whole. CMNs/bullies are everywhere and identifying and knowing how to deal with them gives one an important advantage. By the way, if you are interested, volunteering to help abused individuals and protect families would have a ripple effect far beyond what you may be able to imagine. For those who are interested simply look up the various agencies in your community and see how you can help out.
My writings are recommended for:
- those who are anxious about an important relationship, be it child, spouse, friend, co-worker or teacher – whomever – as long as the relationship is important to you.
- for anyone considering court action on a custody matter as well as family and supreme court judges and attorneys.
- for researchers and students.
- for those concerned about the fallout of the 2016 election and the current political climate.
I strongly recommend my writings for anyone considering marriage as my descriptions of the families I evaluated will likely increase your chance of a happy marriage. The tragedies I saw in court uniformly stemmed from the families being unaware of the personalities and the dynamics of Type Three disputes